Last night I had this dream, and you and you and you were there. No seriously, I did, it was like that time when everyone was together even people I didnt like. And even people I havent seen in years. I keep thinking I have those dreams because I am obsessed about teeth and I am scared to drive, and I havent said but three words all day. I hope that the saying is true, that you are a different person when you are thirty than when you were twenty. Because I definately dont want to be twenty forever, then again I might not like thirty. I wish my mind would just make up its mind. I dont know why my space bar is doing this but it is. I dont know how to stop it but itsmakingspaces on its own .It seems like I dont have to make a space it just does it automatically. but anyways, if it dosent make correct spaces than that is just what is gonna happen. just like my life, its just going to happen. I dont know what I am going to do. Can I get through this, all my mother does is sit around and really she puts butter on everything she eats. Not a regular amount of butter, but probably enough to only to taste the butter. I said to her today, mom you need tostop eating butter andstart replacing butter with something else. Her cholesterol was like 300and she justdosent care. my mom is going to have a heartattack have some surgerywhen she is sixty and possiblydie at seventy. but even the fact that i dont wanther to eat so altrustic its self centered. Even though sheknows shesgoing to diesoon, shejustignores it onlybecause shes not dead. I think that s why most people dont worry about themselves. sometimesi think its worth itbutthen, othertimes i justdont. everyday thiscrossesmymind. and I end updoingwhat peoplewantandnotbeingableto do anything i want. i justthings back to theway theywere. i guess i cant keep wishing that this would happen because it wont, and nothing will ever be the same. I want to stop everything if i could. its nice thoughthat somepeople want to know me and want to keep knowing me, instead of feeling worse about me every day. I can feel happiness, Ican almost imagine it rightnow, because I know what it feels like tofeel great. Ive smelt it , but its almost completely foreign, and thenif feelthat i have donetoomuch complaining. I heard somewhere that people that cant or dont expressthemselves in anyw way they just die ten years earlier than they should. Iknowthat tonight, I couldnt tell my mom that, I thought she shouldnt be eating all that butter. I cant really expressanything about anyone, because all I can do, is cry. it just comes out as blah blah blah why am i this way, cry cry cry. It goes up and down, I realllywant to speak without going blubber blubber. Andso much of everything, is dependent on people, even though I dont wantthat, it just happens. Isntthere an axe I can use tofixthis collegeproblem, thisidependence problem,this intellegence problem, thiscarefreeproblem,my happiness problem. My PROBLEM THAT IS A PROBLEM. I can tell that NO ONE likes reading about sad people, no one likes being around sad people, and everyone forgets sad people. there are things that i cant say but i want, if i couldstop being so ambigious withall mywords, ambiguity is very unclear, its like your hidingsomething, and i have gotten into a pattern where Ihidealmost everything. How do youcure amurderers rage, idont think you can,just like idont think ican curemy inability to tell thetruth about my feelings, or just be openin general. No i dontwrite about my wonderfuldays in college, my young exciting life because thats what girls do, thats how most girls are. But sometimes I am not like most girls, my feelings are here because no one hears me, and anyone that does,is tired, ofit,disgusted, or it is their job. Why cant I just stop being thisway, Iwish I had an answer. There are so many thingsthat I do think about, butthen, Ihate myself for thinking them, and then think that i should be greatfulfor thelife i have, and then well that works for a maximum of five seconds. And I wondered where does, this need to hide everything come from, it comes fromthe needto please and the need tonot feel embarrased, or hated,its the fear of rejectionthat drives everything about me. Maybe when im with my friends its alittle different. I think its mainly with men, more or less. Its strange, every man I encounter, my new uncle hutch, people I work with, I completely ignore, and avoid; its notthatI enjoy beingmean. Every man I have encountered, I guess I could say has been mean in some way or another, im a big scaredy cat when it comes to my dad. i dont even like to talk to him, maybe onlywhen hes happy,maybe not at all. How do youdeal with someonethat yells at you when you askwhytheyput hotdogs in maccaroni and cheese, or speaks in dramatic tones all the time. Once he told my brother,sister, and me that he would stand before us all to defend us, im not sure what he was thinking at the moment but probably something along the lines of some one is going to attackour house tomorrow, with guns, tazers and pointy objects and that hewouldbethelast onestanding besides us waving his american flag. Of course, this is a nicethought if your a father who loves mel gibson, but just randomly saying it, out of no where, what am i supposed to do with this information, am i supposed admire him, love him; no, the only thing it does, is confuses me. In a combination, mymother, being sensitive about everything, and mydad being a dramaticclingy unsure,insecure person, who has nofamily life, or social life outside work;put those qualites togetherand I guess youhave somethinglike me. The angry sad insecure dad,andthe worrysome overlysensitive mother who remainssheltered, and cannot process thoughtsquickly sowhen asked why I shouldntdo something she saysbecause. I should begreatful fortheparents Ihave, and maybe I am,butI think that its my problem, Im not stupid like I cant do anything about myenviornment,butI still feel foolish for being a product ofit and exhibiting some ofthe behaviors myself. I would say because all the time whenever i didnt wantto admit or explain anything to anyone. Maybe I shouldforget memories, at least my journal entries. I just dont know where I am, i life in anything, Im not even sure how to eat, or sleep, i am waiting for someone to saywake up, Im heretohelp you and love you forever; I wontever get angry I wont everget mad, Im just glad your here, I cant wait to hear from you tomorrow.